The nine month wait for three little words.....

Today is a milestone day, I think.  Maybe it is insignificant in the broad scheme of things, but to me, I have been waiting for those three little words from my Little A.  I say them to her as often as I can, sometimes during an overwhelming surge of emotion, and most nights before bedtime when I have the energy. I make sure to say it when she's crying after having been reprimanded for something, just so she knows that mommy still cares. I have hesitated to say it when I drop her off at daycare.  She does not like to be fussed over in front of the other kids. I thought just boys did that, but she proves that theory wrong.... I already embarrass her, and apparently regularly.   So today I said quietly as I walked off, but loud enough for her to hear..... "I love you."  I realized I had not said it in awhile.  Nothing but a blank stare in response, then she turned her back.  This is standard for us.  She would be happy if I left her at the front door.
   
Since A. has been home, I've seen numerous other children hugging their parents, and one boy even grabbed his mom in the hallway as she was leaving him at daycare that morning.  He said to her, "You are the best mom I can ever imagine," and he said it with such admiration.  He could not have been older than 10 years old.  Wow.  She beamed with pride.  It made my eyes well up, actually.  I was standing right there and I made sure to tell the boy I thought that was the sweetest thing I'd ever heard. I figured I could wait for four more years and hope that A. might feel that way about me, but I've had such doubts over the past few months.  She resisted kisses, did not like hugs at first, did not see the point in it and said as much.  Slowly, and I mean painfully slow, I have broken down her defenses. 

Other adoptive moms said their forever kids were saying "I love you" since day one, would come up and hug their legs, say random sweetnothings, but I have felt like Charlie Brown at Christmas for many months, and I have watched her give hugs to caregiver after caregiver with bittersweet emotion.... it is good to see her hug anyone because I want her to make those connections with the people she spends alot of her day with, but I wanted that person to be me ...... the dismissal has been like getting the Charlie Brown rock in my stocking.  I haven't said much about it.  I've told myself she would come around or in worst case scenario that I could live my entire parental existence not hearing it if I sensed she felt it.  She actually told me one night to quit saying it, that she didn't know what it meant.  I told her it means I have such happy happy feelings inside that I wanted her to know about them, that even when she makes bad choices I still felt it no matter what, so I would continue to say "I love you" to her, even if she didn't want me to, that it was not a lie, and it was not her choice to prevent me from saying it, so tough luck A, you will hear it until it sinks in.  I backed off, though over the past month.  I paced it all out, not saying it as often as I had.  And then, sadly, I forgot to even say it for awhile until this week.

Tonight I put her in the bath.  She asked for more water, I usually say no, but tonight I wasted precious water to cover the tops of her legs and she was elated!  She asked me to stay and I said no, laundry awaited, but that I would be nearby, that I would close the door to keep the heat in, that she should play for a bit before I came in to wash her hair, that I could hear her if she called.  She said, "bye, then.  I love you!"  then giggled and hid her face.  "I love you too, and now my heart is very happy! Thank you for saying that!"
She smiled.  I'm still smiling.  It is a good day!  Time to wash that hair and what a process it is!  Pics to come.